She told me soon after we started talking that she could tell that I have “daddy
tendencies.” I asked her what she meant, and she wasn’t really able to explain it
completely. But from what I gathered, she could tell by the way I was becoming more and more romantic, nurturing, protective, and posessive towards her, pretty early on, that I have these “tendencies” as she called them.

I had never really thought about it before. But with her, I quickly developed this
“tenderness,” if you will. She has this certain girlish naivete/innocence/neediness about her at times, times when she says she’s “feeling little.” She made me want to take care of her, to protect her, to do silly little romantic things to make her giggle, to hold her in my arms and let her hide in my neck when she was scared, to punish her when she was bad. All of this with an intensity that I had never experienced before.

and then I met her in person, and I could feel her “littleness.” And I am one who always says I hate “clinginess.” This wasn’t clinginess. It was more of a need, but not a need that you know comes from a person’s innate need to drain your soul. her innocence/naivete/neediness was more like a ray of sunshine that opened something in my heart that had never seen the light of day before. It sucks that the “grown up” side of Devey is such a jaded, cold bitch.

And then she called me Daddy. I had fallen for her a little when I saw her, but this was the clincher. I have never felt the way I felt at that moment. It was like my heart burst into song, and I felt this sense of pride, of power, of…rightness in the world, that was totally different than I’ve ever felt. It felt like everything in my life clicked into place right then. I get tears in my eyes and a chill down my spine just thinking about it.

I had told her after I came home from the visit that I liked when she called me Daddy because it made me feel “Big.” And this is the answer that makes sense to me. To me this bigness revolves around the sense of power, of control, of being needed in that way, that her “littleness” evoked in me.

And when I say control, it’s different than the control I’ve felt when subduing someone I’m fucking, or causing them pain, or anything like that. In my mind, the sadistic form of control comes from a bad place inside of me, a need to compensate for past abuses or for when power has been taken from me. The control felt as a daddy comes from everything good within me. From some dragon-slaying “butch in shining armor” part of me that I never would have imagined even existed, that came out in full force when faced with this littleness.

This was the first time I’ve ever felt this kind of rightness. Like this is who I’m supposed to be.

And when I say she was amazing, this is what I mean. But I guess, In reality, the situation, and the result it had on me, was what was amazing. But it’s also her too. There was such magical passion and chemistry between us. And I could tell by the look in her eyes that she felt it too.

And it’s also what I mean when I say I’m afraid I’ll never be able to feel like that again. I could have been her hero, would have slain the dragons, if she had only let herself realize it. And I don’t know if I will ever feel that way ever again. And I need to. In a way, that was me in my finest, most noble, most caring moments so far. I don’t want that person to go back into hiding, but I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone who brings that out ever again. And that’s why I’m in no hurry to be with anyone any time soon. I’m afraid that I’m going to search for this for the rest of my life and never find it again. After all, it took 35 years for it to happen the first time. And, knowing that I’m capable of that level of feeling, I can’t allow myself to settle for anything less, lest I start to resent the person for not making me feel that way.