I think my standing leg might crumble or die. Can a leg die and the rest of you live? Oh she changed the leg to the back. Still lifting.

What are we doing? Bent leg to straight leg? I can’t see. Who was the wardrobe person on this shoot? Duh. Tracy is in black against a window with total blackness outside. They’re using a second camera. I’m blaming the editor for not putting in a side shot of this move. [I always think I should be in charge of everyone’s marketing from Victoria’s Secret.com on, however right now I’m wondering if I’m going to survive this.]

Okay I gotta rest. That standing leg isn’t going to make it. Thank God she’s not happy or giddy like Denise Austin or that Turbo Jam chick ‘cause then I’d have to smash the TV.

I’m lifting. Nah, I gotta rest for a couple of seconds. Lifting. Okay I’m switching to the other leg for a little bit. Man she’s still lifting the same leg. Alright back to the first leg to rejoin Tracy. That little tart. Lifting.

Pause the DVD. I have to take a nap.

Waking up. DVD back on. I get through the legs only by switching back and forth when I’m not supposed to. Good thing she’s not here. She might hurt me.

Alright here come the arms. New song. Is that Madonna singing? Maybe not. Sort of a Madonna clone. At least it’s not techno. A few seconds of explanation. We’re off. Don’t stop Tracy says. I’m grateful she doesn’t give a lot of talking explanation because a) then you don’t have to hear it a million times and b) you’d have to have lived in a cave not to know how to flap your arms around.

Man she changes stuff fast. “Tiny arms, Tiny arms, Tiny arms,” says me to me. Slice that air. Oh God, my arms or some part of my shoulder is cramping.

Why is this called the Mat workout? We’re still standing! Where was the editor on that title?

How on earth are these moves that are so simple and have been right under my nose and available to me my entire life now kicking my butt?

We’re pushing the arms, opening, closing. I gotta rest a little. Do I need another nap? Slice, push, … it’s done. I sorta did the arms. Yea me.