“Thwack!”

That, is the sound of the thighs of the Miss Universe contestants as they do the swimsuit model walk.

Please indulge me and take a moment to watch:

Notice that those girl’s thighs don’t move from side to side. That is what blubber-free thighs look and sound like. “Thwack.”

However, blubber in thighs moves from side to side and, if hooked up to the same underwater microphones used to record whale mating sounds, you would hear the distinct sloshing sound of…”ohmpabluhoosh” which is fat riding through unknown toxic waste hitting up against more fat. Deep below this murky toxic stew lies a muscle–hopefully.

Now sometimes this fat stew is not content to live in Thigh Town. It’s a little uppity and moves uptown to Bootie Town, Arms City and What-Used-To-Be Abdominal Village Now A Landfill.

Saddened and frustrated by this transbody forage, I set forth to change it. Here were my many previous failed attempts: First I bought a fitness DVD and exercised 6-7 days a week for months. In fact it was 9 months. I joined a fitness help board. My new found friends motivated me to keep working out. I had never worked out in all my life–basically because I never had to. But now I was old. With grandkids.

Sure there were some drops in size and a line or two. I like others proclaimed that the continued poundage was simply the “weight of muscle.” I became vegetarian to perhaps help things along.

Slowly, over time, my denial started to weaken and I took the rose colored glasses off. I realized that my short “lines” in the sides of my legs were perhaps no different than if you poured applesauce on a plate and drew your finger through it. Yes there was a line that wasn’t there before, but, IT STILL LOOKED LIKE FRIGGIN’ APPLESAUCE ON EITHER SIDE OF IT!